A negligible reflection on argument.

I just want to say to you that you only have yourself. Only you can save yourself. 

So when someone gives you a hand, you better take it. They can't save you, but they can make it so much easier. 

I often regret whenever I say too much, argue too much, be angry too much, and think so little.

Speaking without thinking regularly ends in a painful way because thought will be the first thing that comes out of my mouth, the raw, unprocessed, scribbled, crumbling, sporadic cluster of obscure words glued together with unconscious letters that based superficially on a basic primitive reaction.

It needs a good writer to create a good speech, but it only take a loud mouth to be a confident talker. 

I truly believed in what I was saying. I was willing to go to any extent to defend it. I would. I didn't know the ultimate truth doesn't require any kind of protection. It can't be destroyed. It's beyond words and thoughts. When I thought I was defending the truth, I was actually defending myself. 

I'm questioning my own arguments. I can't bring myself to agree with even just one of them. And for a while, I was so sure that I was damn right.

I was not. Right or wrong is a human conception. Right can be wrong, and wrong can be right, we just need to switch our position. Right and wrong are parts of the ultimate truth. Two sides of a coin must make one coin. 

I was stubborn and blind. I remember all I wanted was not finding a solution, which is supposed to be the sole purpose of arguing, what I secretly desired and chased after was being the winner of the conversation. That was what I felt. I only thought about myself, protected myself, tried to bring down the opposite party, madly yearned for a glory victory. I was defeated, miserably. A true and glory defeat.

It terrifies me, seeing how bad a person can be when they want to define themselves through someone else's humiliation and agony. It traumatizes me, finding myself eventually turned into an angry, vigorous, hatred, and unreasonable person, who refused to listen to anyone, who denied any possibility that perhaps the other arguer actually had a really good point. I was there, a clouded mind and blinded eyes, paired perfectly with a spiteful tongue. What did I become? The thing I fear most. 

A seed of war. Where the only winner can survive, so you have to win at all cost, so you have to be the only one standing even though it means destroying all goodness in the world.

I'm aware of, once again, the dark side of me. It's malicious and tricky, and very difficult to tame. I don't think it can ever be tamed. But it can be controlled and resisted. I just need to keep my mouth shut. 

I just need to keep my mouth shut. And never ever speak of anything that I don't truly know about, which is everything. Trust my parents and adults in general. Don't fight back when they propose their ideas on how I should live my life. Listen to what they say, think of it as an useful source that I may or may not need. Don't fight back. Keep my mouth shut. Only speak when being asked, and make sure to keep the answer short and thoughtful. 

Train myself to think before I speak. 

Whatever provokes any kind of immediate emotional responses is required of a cautious examination. 

Don't say a word whenever I feel angry or uncomfortable. 

Back off right away when I have the urge to win. A real discussion doesn't have winner or loser but a final solution to a problem. 

That's it. If you feel like you don't give a fuck about solving whatever existing problem anymore then you need to stay the fuck out of that matter because you've degenerated into a gambler who's bet too high on their own slimpsy ego while you're supposed to put that fucker aside and get down to the business which is anything but you. You think you fight to win but no, you fight to rescue. You're sent here to help, even just a little. Wake up. Idiot. This is not about you. Never was, never will. You don't have to win over anything to be at peace with yourself. 

Look into your heart and if you can't find any peace in it, the only way to go is out.