Eternally.

Recently, I've started to realize a few things that were not as certain as I always believed for the first 20 years of my life. I've been mistaken for so long. I thought I knew the root of everything and no one could change my mind. And yes, no one could make it change except me. Gradually, life revealing itself under the bright light of summer. Its shape doesn't stay the same as the last time it showed but it keeps twisting, growing, blending. The process has its own plan or maybe there's just no plan at all. That's what I choose to trust.

When I was younger, the hardest struggle that controlled my entire soul was finding the purpose of my life. It was an existential crisis. I was lost. At that time, the darkness took place in my head, it ruled on its throne and locked me in its cage which was made by my bones and flesh. I cried for no reason, in midnight whenever I can't sleep. It was the last November. The coldest November I've ever had in my life. I'd been fighting for my existence every single day because there was a voice which kept whispering in my ears endlessly a bunch of questions, for instance "Why are you still alive? What are you doing here? Do you know that you don't deserve to live?"... and more; and more. Most of time, I can't answer even one single question. Time passed by, then one day I noticed myself wondering unconsciously: "Being killed 4 years ago sounds pretty right to me". That was the moment which I completely lost motivation and life energy. I stayed in bed for weeks, ate badly, gained weight, hated the reflection that I saw in the mirror, tortured my body, watched a lot of movies, smoked cigarettes constantly. Such things as love and affection and friendship and family disappeared. I stood on the edge of the world's end.

Back to the present. I didn't end up dead but still in the go-with-the-flow mood. I came back to my country, still struggling with the pale blue dot theory while putting all of my efforts into the adventure called "what can I do with the life I was given". Killing myself has tempted me several times likes a sparkling firefly that leads me to the heaven's gate. I'm not afraid anymore.

There's nothing on earth is necessary to me. So I guess it's time. I can leave now. The prospect in which I cross my wrist with the razor seems so relief, and tranquil. My blood is coming out slowly from my open wound, and I close my eyes, sinking into an eternal peaceful darkness. A sleepless world. A "has never been awakened" soul. That's where I lay with all the stars, and flowers will bloom on my grave.

And when I'm gone would you remember me my dearest? And I won't forget you. I will never forget you.