151105.

there will be days like this, when you are filled up with sadness and enervation, and your body every part of your body is enveloped in a somnolent mist, and you want to make yourself something to drink or stand up on your feet and go to the fridge so you could open it and find something to eat and maybe, just maybe your world will be a little bit lighter and your heart will starts breathing normally again. but you didn't. you are still here, sit on the chair in the kitchen and it's 9:30 am Thursday and there's only one thing that you want to do right now right here you want to kill yourself you want to die you want to stop the world because if it stops spinning around its axis then you, a parasite, would stop reeling around your damaged core too. but well the globe will never stop just like you you will not die you don't have the gut. you will keep living your pity life while whining over decimated dreams that sometimes coming back to you at mid-nights haunting you send a shiver down your spine and you wish you are ninety nine and tomorrow will be the last day of you on earth. there would be many days like today, when you find yourself looking into nowhere and actually you are not sad at all, and your life is not miserable and you have everything you need but still, why? because you never know about suffering and pain and all and Primo Levi told you so. because you have everything already at that young age you feel like you are nothing than an old lady who should die peacefully in sleep instead of keep living under the mask of a twenty year-old girl. you think you should die and it's tempting because you have no reason to live. not even one.